I’m an avid reader. Like many of you, I find that my “to read” list is always growing faster than I can keep up with. I normally stick to fiction. However, over the last year, I noticed I had several non-fiction books on my list and had yet to dive into a single one. So I decided to make a point to start working on some of those.
When I was looking through my list to choose what to read, I noticed a trend. Three of the books I had saved were about communication, more specifically about listening. How this happened I’m not really sure. I honestly don’t remember how all of them ended up on my list. I figured three books on the same topic was a sign and decided to start what I called my “listening series”.
Here are the three books I read that made me a better listener for my patients, my friends, and my family. I’ll take you through each book: what it’s about, why I liked it, and the major lessons from each. Here’s a little spoiler: this blog post alone isn’t enough. You’re definitely going to want to get a copy of at least one or two of these books for yourself.
Just Listen by Mark Goulston
Mark Goulston is a psychiatrist with a career built on listening and getting through to people. His book Just Listen is broken down into four major sections.
The first section is about the secret to reaching anyone. We all have someone in our lives we wish we could get through to a little better – a parent, a child, a spouse, a patient, a friend, you name it. Mark talks to us about the “persuasion cycle”, which is basically how you move someone from resisting to listening. He also dives into the science behind this. Parts of the brain and important neurons called mirror neurons play a role in the cycle. These create what Goulston calls “the mirror neuron gap”, which is when people are upset or resistant to listening to us.
Section two takes us through 9 core rules for getting through to anyone. Turns out it’s got a lot more to do with regulating our own actions and emotions than it does with anyone else. (Hint: You have to listen!!). He gives TONS of real-life examples related to both career and personal relationships. I also appreciate the many different examples he gave across industries when talking about career situations.
Section three delves into 12 tools for achieving buy-in and getting through to people. It sounds vague, but it is anything but. Glouston clearly names these tools and gives numerous examples of how to use them. Right down to the wording or phrasing you might want to use and how you may expect the conversation to play out.
In the last section he takes us through 7 common challenging situations and how you may use techniques and rules from the previous two sections to deal with them. From managing challenging teams to trying to climb the career ladder, dealing with narcissists, or dealing with people in the middle of a mental breakdown, to even dealing with the conversations you have with yourself in your own head, he goes through it all. We have all come across these situations in the past and probably wish we had been more equipped to deal with them.
Of these three books, “Just Listen” probably had the most clearly laid out, actionable steps for better communication. So if you’re looking for a book that gives you concrete techniques that you can transfer into your life, Just Listen is definitely for you.
Notable Quote:
“Merely saying ‘sorry’ will patch over the wound, but it won’t heal it. That’s because your screw-up wasn’t just a blunder. It was also a suggestion that the other person doesn’t matter (creating a huge mirror neuron gap), and you’re responsible for proving otherwise.
What Patients Say, What Doctors Hear by Danielle Ofri, MD
Despite all the advances of modern medicine, Dr. Ofri confirms our most powerful tool as clinicians remains strong communication with our patients. In her book, she does a deep dive into the breakdown of doctor-patient communication.
Ofri skillfully does this all without playing the blame game though. Being a doctor herself, she knows and acknowledges the daily challenges healthcare workers face AND just how emotionally and mentally exhausting it can be. She knows the system doesn’t exactly set patients or doctors up for success.
Through storytelling and numerous other common healthcare examples, she guides us towards better, more effective techniques to use when listening and communicating with our patients. Her stories range from the most routine situations to the most challenging ones.
As a physical therapist I appreciated the stories she told about patients with back pain and chronic pain. When I was reading I often found myself thinking “Oh my god, I’ve definitely been in that situation before.” or “That’s extremely relatable”. If you work on the front lines of healthcare, I guarantee Dr. Ofri has a story or situation you WILL relate to in this book. Not only will you feel seen, but you’ll learn how to navigate those situations and the feelings associated with them a bit better for both you and your patients.
Notable Quotes:
“Given the frightened nature of the initial doctor-patient meeting, the factors working against a smooth interaction, and all the competing tensions for both parties, it is almost astounding that this weighty encounter is mediated by the most rudimentary technology: a conversation. The physical exam and the subsequent tests do play a role, the conversation between doctor and patient – the medical interview is the single most important diagnostic tool in medicine. Not only is it the tool that yields the diagnosis, or at least focuses the path toward a diagnosis, but it is the tool that establishes the doctor-patient relationship, which is critical in the success of navigating medical care”.
You’re Not Listening (What You’re Missing & Why It Matters) by Kate Murphy
You’re Not Listening (What You’re Missing & Why It Matters) by Kate Murphy was my favorite book of all three. Written in 2020, I feel like Kate was ahead of her time. Our listening was bad then, but it’s like she knew just how bad it was going to get and why.
In this book she points out that we are in fact NOT listening, even when we think we are, and then breaks down why we don’t listen and why it’s so damn hard. She has a great pulse on how both human nature and modern culture combine to create this unfortunate situation. But she explains it in a way without sounding overly philosophical and existential.
The other thing I loved about Kate and her book was that she calls out not listening for exactly what it is – a defense mechanism. When we don’t listen it’s usually because we want to defend ourselves from looking foolish, considering or accepting things that make us scared or uncomfortable, or looking vulnerable. It sounds confusing at first, but honestly read the book and it will make so much sense.
While Kate calls us out, she also doesn’t make us feel bad about it. She acknowledges how emotionally and mentally hard true listening is and all the things working against us that make it so hard. Honestly some parts of this book felt like a mini free therapy session and we could all use a little of that right? So get your free therapy and read this book.
Notable quotes:
“Listening heightens your awareness. It makes you feel. As you become more attuned to the thoughts and emotions of others, you become more alive to the world and it becomes more alive to you. Life otherwise can become a muted existence, with days spent in unquestioned beliefs and fixed concepts, where, even though the world and the people in it are always changing, nothing is ventured beyond the borders of what you already know or accept as true. It feels safe, but it’s really just stifling.”
“Everybody has something going on in their heads, whether it’s your child, your romantic partner, your coworker, a client or whoever. To listen well is to figure out what’s on someone’s mind and demonstrate that you care enough to want to know. It’s what we all crave; to be understood as a person with thoughts, emotions, and intentions that are unique and valuable and deserving of attention.”
I highly recommend any one of these books! No matter which one you choose, I recommend taking small bites. Don’t rush through it. When I was reading these I only read a chapter or two at a time to really take in the info and reflect on it. I had highlights, tabs, and notes in the margins all over the place on these.
So which one are you reading? Share in the comments below. I hope at least one of these piqued your interest. Once you’ve read your choice, come back and share your thoughts! If you’ve already read one of these, which one and what did you think about it? I’d love to know your take. Lastly, don’t forget to follow @the_pt_page on Instagram and subscribe to get new posts directly into your inbox!
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